Late lunch at Panera/Chipotle and you have stopped at a relatively new
store, Garden Fresh Market, in the VOA Centre on the north side of Tylersville
directly across from Kohl’s and Panda Express. Then a quick trip to the Little
Miami at Foster to see how high the river is; and you found it was not too bad.
Yesterday was busy with another pancake, bacon and egg breakfast; a trip to
feed the ducks and lunch at Outback near Kings Island. Kim and Paul left for
home after the ‘early’ Christmas lunch. The rest of Sunday as well as Monday
morning was spent in quiet relaxation. – Amorella
1655 hours. It is almost time to put on the tree lights. I cannot
remember the last time we had a tree up but it has been several years. I’m glad
Kim and Paul are taking it to use in their new house next year. Their present
smaller tree is much more appropriate for us.
You have been, off and on, thinking about
how a thirty-two year old Jesus might respond to my presence for less say,
condensing my twenty-five years into his last ten years – from age twenty-two
to thirty two. – Amorella
That would be the last eleven years, not ten. (1703)
What’s the matter boy, did you run out of
words? - Amorella
I
froze, Amorella. Fear comes to mind first (for the arrogance behind the
correct, not the correction itself) but it is not specific enough – trepidation
and dread fit better (along with the memory of such times throughout these
twenty-five to even thirty years or more. It goes back to the early
experimentation with the ‘alphabet wheel’ I created for the subconscious
response to the ‘thumb-forefinger’ holding the string with the washer hanging
below about a foot to within a couple inches of the flat alphabet wheel. This
is going to be difficult to explain. I haven’t thought of how to explain the
situation/event. Perhaps I don’t need to do so; but going through certain
motions of the subconscious muscles moving over the wheel I thought (more than
once) that some motions lead to the feeling of evil and dread, as if Satan-like
character within was being drawn up towards consciousness. It was as if there
was a demon or something seemingly unnatural (as in sixteenth century European
concepts). In any case it was as an unnatural and foreboding presence like when
there was, to me, a manifestation of a fearful human ghost in the hallway of
our old house on Majken Place – when the neighbor later told me they had a
priest over to exorcise such a spirit from the house. Now that was spooky
indeed.
You have related that event in the blog. No
need to refresh this. You are looking for the first time you felt this ‘dread’
but what you felt a few minutes ago only lasted a minute or less. And, it was
not the dread so much as seeing a stop sign way out ahead – like you were
driving along a lonely narrow un-road at night with the bright lights on – and
way out you could see enough of the red to realize you had a stop sign but do
not know if the road goes straight or that it stops and you have to turn to the
right or the left. It might be a disquieting moment, but not the dread of an
early experience. It is your memory that did not stop. It rushed past the stop
sign to see the road ended and a cliff stood immediately on the other side. –
Amorella
1727 hours. Wow. When I have no words you can express them anyway. Not
the vocabulary I search for and cannot discover but in a way I understand what
you are saying in human terms alone. It is an ‘understanding;’ not a fact; a
fact would be describing the situation or condition in terms of a ‘reality not
humanly known but experienced’.
The term word you are looking for is
hyphenated: ‘reality-not-humanly-known-but-experienced-nevertheless”. The term
is a one-word event. The focus, the fear is from a sense of power so small that
it cannot be seen. It is the humanization of such a power so small not even a
whisper of presence is needed. Because it appears so small, so tiny and feels
so beyond-the-universe-powerful it cannot easily be described and as such its
seeming power is multiplied a hundred fold – you become as a single human cell
being aware of a greater universe for the first time. – Amorella
Your words are much closer than I could come to a description than my
own (without your ‘translation’ into human terms).
At
the same time I feel an immediate silliness about this. Surely this is
imagination perhaps mixed with a few crossed wires in my brain; a natural
mistake of an event that can eventually be physically explained.
Are you talking about yourself here boy or
your species as a whole? – Amorella
1749 hours. I am not sure, but I suppose either I or the entire species
could be a ‘natural accident’ of sorts within the framework of physics. We are
the metaphysics in the flesh so to speak.
Human beings and other human-like beings are
metaphysics in the flesh in the physics of the known and unknown universe? –
Amorella
We could be. I have not thought in these words and under this context
before, at least that I can remember. Metaphysics-in-the-flesh has a certain
amount of reasonability to it in my mind.
Now, in this context what would Jesus say
about the likes of me, the Amorella?
I need time to digest this.
Post. - Amorella
You had leftovers for supper while watching
NBC News, then the latest “White Collar” and an older “Blue Bloods”. Not much
on new this week so you will have time to get caught up. You still have most of
the season of “Revenge” to catch up on among a few half hour comedies.
** **
2128 hours. I cannot assume to imagine what Jesus would think other than
like me in the beginning, assume Amorella is an Angel of G---D. I such, for a
time, I did as the ‘Voice’ instructed me to do, but within a framework just as
deep in mind there was always a distrust – a bottom line was “Do No Harm”. A
bottom line below this was/is “I am want for nothing.” Another bottom line
was/is “As I do not wish to harm and I have no need of anything I therefore
have no necessity or want for any power whatsoever. Power comes with knowledge;
and deep within I know nothing. Only with knowing nothing (for sure) I as a
human being am free with mind and heart and hopefully soul. This was my
reasoning. Later I discovered the notes/letters had been received but there was
no one there to claim them. I was told to stop sending the letters. I did. And
I sent an apology. I could not have done otherwise or I would not have been
honest. I thought this through and decided that there are times when one has no
choice if she or he is to remain who she or he is. Agnostic or not, I could not
go to my grave and say I did not know what I was, a human being. Given the
choices in those days there is no time, even today that I would not have done
the same thing under the same circumstances. I learned the ‘voice’ was not that
of G---D or an Angel of G---D. I cannot deny that the ‘voice’ I was later told
was that of Amorella. I cannot deny the reality of Amorella’s voice because she
has been worth my listening to. The ‘voice’ is from my heartansoulanmind and to
deny this I would have to deny my existence. I still exist. If one day I do
meet a real Angel of G---D I can say, most humbly, “I am a human being. I can
be nothing else but what I am.”
** **
This is also satisfactory. – Amorella
2154 hours. But I did not take a perspective Jesus may have taken.
How do you know this? – Amorella
I do not know this but I do not wish to be arrogant.
You are arrogant because you are a human
being. – Amorella
2158 hours. Then I have no choice but to be what I am.
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