Notes - to my own conclusions

       Mid-evening. Carol and Kim are in talking in the guest room. The closets are unbelievable organized. The bedrooms are organized. The entrance hall, living room, dining room, kitchen, office and family room are ready for the photoshoot on Tuesday at noon. - Amorella

       2120 hours. Monday morning the sealer of basement cracks (less than one/eighth of an inch) will be here and at one we have our official sell contract signing with Susie. Tomorrow Kim and I head north, have lunch nearby their abode, then I leave for home. While at a Chicago national anesthesia conference he bought me a new 'Tens' machine, a professional model which I am excited to try before coming home. I offered to pay him for it but he said it was a present, and then added that he might want to borrow it from time to time (as he was impressed on how well it worked with a demonstration model). Both he and Kim worked all morning on getting us ready for 'showing time'. Kim thinks that when it goes on the   market Wednesday we will have several perspective buyers before Sunday. I find that hard to believe. Our first house went on the market in Fall, 1990. We had three people look at it in six weeks and one of the three eventually bought it for about $93,000. We paid $32,000 for it in 1975 but we added on half of the size of the original house for about $20,000 in the early eighties. We have been making continual upgrades to this house for at least the last ten years knowing we would eventually bring it up for sale, big items too, such as a new roof, new furnace and new appliances and kitchen cabinets and granite countertops. So, here we go again. I'm both apprehensive and excited about the prospects, I think we both are. The house is no longer a real home because are living habit are being quickly eroded away by daughter's present 'sell the house' discipline. I'm rather proud of her 'take charge' attitude. We need it. We will be better off living close by Kim and Paul. Our next birthdays I'll be 76 and Carol 72. Add another five to ten years -- and that speaks for itself. Overall, we have had a very good life, pretty much a simple life, a Quaker life in the mind. At least that is how I feel. (2203)

       You surprised yourself with 'a Quaker life in the mind' phrase. One you have never used before by the way. Check online, like you are thinking, and see what a Quaker life embodies. - Amorella

       2217 hours. Curiously, I see living a Quaker life as living simply, respecting G-D, respecting the environment,  respecting humanity within personal and communal life, and doing good personal and communal works to further raise the general human condition (health, welfare and education world-wide). I could not find anything on line that meets my simple criteria above. Besides, I consider myself a Unitarian Universalist and a Transcendentalist as well as a Quaker within heartansoulanmind.

       Quaker, Transcendentalist and Unitarian Universalist are nouns. The problem is that you do not consider human beings as nouns. That's the root of your spiritual dilemma here. - Amorella

       2233 hours. You are as a miracle at this moment. You get right to the crux of my reasoning. What a simple resolve for an honest answer from within. Human beings are not nouns in the strictest spiritual sense. I come to my own conclusions and with this I can presently let the concept go.

       Post. - Amorella

Notes - busy day / ill / a crucifixion

       Late morning. Four men who arrived between nine and ten are putting white quartz countertops on the black basement cabinets. You are packed with everything ready to go to the car after the workers complete their job. - Amorella

       1128 hours. Last night I googled "schematics of heart and soul and mind". None of it was to my liking. Generalizations with stock images. Basically, it was full of material the physicist were told to avoid. Religious and/or mythological or Celtic-like images filled the pages.

       How is your 'schematic' of heartansoulanmind going to be that much different than theirs? - Amorella

       1139 hours. I am thinking on giving up a conceptual diagram because I don't know any more or in some cases as much about the paranormal. I tend to think on the spiritual aspect of being humane (empathy, kindness, friendship; civilized) being fluid; a kind of waterworks of various degrees of warm (emotion) and cool (reason) water; most of the time kept in the three-bears-tolerable zone, with boiling spiritual or freezing, kept in the survival-if-plausible zone. . . . None of this is really resolvable, nor has it been. Civilization has come the closest to allow us the space to mature with a mix of limited freedom within the confines of individual and group responsibility. We need to continually develop better ways to live as individuals and smaller groups to live civilized within the greater whole of humanity. One problem with societies such as our own is that people are free to accept really no responsibility unless it is for their selfish interests, i.e. obeying basic traffic rules and/or obeying basic health rules. Even then some people continue to live irresponsibly and either harm or kill others or themselves in the process. It is no wonder the world is full of various governments. None have resolved these problems, that is, the problem in being human. I think we don't all define 'freedom' the same way. We don't all follow the rules on definitions or anything else. (1207)

       You talked to Kim and Paul is going to drop her off at your house tonight so she can help this weekend. They are near Dalton, Georgia presently. Kim said they left at ten after three this morning. The photographer will be here Tuesday and the house will be up for sale by next weekend. The car is packed for home. The men are still working. Post. - Amorella

       You were ready to post and thought about a title of 'good Friday' and realized it is 'Good Friday'. The immediate mental flash was a vision you had many years ago. - Amorella

       1322 hours. I don't forget 'visions'. I don't know how I cannot forget something that was not real. I lack the integrity of words to describe what was real enough in the moment.

       See if you can find the description in the blog. Start with 2009. - Amorella

       1328 hours. This makes me feel ill, Amorella, sick to my stomach.

       Post. - Amorella

       Before dusk. You had a good drive home and picked up the mail from the post office. Kim, Paul and the boys were eating at Cracker Barrel in Berea, Kentucky at the same time you were eating at Cracker Barrel on Fields Ertel Road. Presently, you are waiting for Carol outside of Kroger's on Mason-Montgomery Road. You assume Kim and Paul will arrive after eight. Paul and the boys may choose to stay and return home in the morning or complete their journey tonight. Bob B. called and confirmed he'll be at the house at eight in the morning to put in the hall front entrance light and the light over the dining room table. Kim will help Carol and you will take her home Easter Sunday. - Amorella

       1920 hours. You tug at my heart Amorella. I remember the essence of my original vision (I really don't know what to call it.) How can an agnostic have a religious vision?

       I don't remember the scene as religious or even spiritual. It was raw though just like life is sometimes. - Amorella

       1925 hours. My visionary eye captured a whole man half naked with dirty sweat clinging to the bony shaped skin being wholly crucified. The middle aged man tied to the single cross in this single scene; his body reacting with slow non-redeeming spasms and in small unorthodox jerks that appear strong enough to crack a number of ribs on their spinal jacket. He squirms and muscles tighten as a sharp pain, lightning swiftly crossing from upper left shoulder to lower right rib leaving a breath of  exhaustively dull thunder meeting on the silence from the unseen witnessing eyes about.

       My fingers ache without substance as I type this. I do not see the man's face. I focus on his wretched and continually cramping  and loosening raw chest. It seems as his still beating heart within disappears; a heart leaving this world of his ribs. The man, and he is man wholly with olive tone skin now screaming inside out in a coat of fate with a button of free will showing. A now heartless man with more than heart hanging from his seemingly last breath.

      The setting is in a long ago distant, desolate and dry landscape where this human body whole is being as in electrocution; sobbingly shocking in distress. This sobering event lasts less than four to five seconds at most, perhaps only as little as two seconds in real life, whatever that is in this timeless place.

      I shall never forget the naked torso slowly then sharply wriggling on its own like a poor timid reptile with its head cut off. It is as if the quickness in torture does not realize it is still a part of the body of the body whole. This magnificent chest is its own hero, uncommonly protecting the rest of its master's body the best it can. This empty chest with an unknowable new heart knows no futility; it is in nothing of any kind and yet has no need of anything more.

     I am absorbed by this nearly invisible rawness where life divides and both parts are still be attached to the whole of humankind. (2247)

       That is as near the vision was. You gained an empathy with the man on the cross, the nameless man who is still real enough in your heartansoulanmind. Post. - Amorella

       2250 hours. I feel I am  exhausted, emotionally and rationally exhausted through writing this piece. I feel I am a free man in need of sleep without a chance to further dream.

       Not yet, boy. - Amorella