Mid-morning.
You and Carol had a good time with Kim, Paul, Owen and Brennan Sunday and
Monday, plus an added benefit for you, lunch at Bob Evans with Fritz on Monday
before heading home mid-afternoon; then a Subway for supper, the news,
Masterpiece Theatre, premier of Intelligence, a new ‘live’ Major Crimes and
Castle in the evening; a full night of television. Later. – Amorella
Mid-afternoon.
Once Carol returned from giving blood you two had lunch at Longhorn with Jen as
your server. Presently you are waiting at Kroger’s on Tylersville and you are
surprised at your continued reluctance to dig up those spiral notebooks in the
basement.
1416 hours. I am. I was wrestling with
the inner demon, fear of stepping into a dark spiritual territory that I would
not allow myself to escape. The earthly fear was that I would step over the
psychological bounds and lose my job for being mentally unstable. To not be
able to teach again in my lifetime would have destroyed whatever self-esteem I
had. There was nothing else I could do but teach – well, I thought of two
things – become a truck driver or a bus driver because of my love of driving or
to work in the lawn-keeping services in a large cemetery such as Spring Grove
in Cincinnati or to work in a bookstore; probably my comfort level would have
been in a used bookstore, i.e. Half Price Books. I would rather be with people
who read books, whereas I think Barnes and Noble would get a lot of customers
who buy books for others but aren’t really book readers themselves. I don’t
know that for a fact though because many readers also buy books at B&N. I
am not a book reader myself, not like in the fifties sixties, seventies and
eighties. I do read though. (1436)
You dropped off the groceries and are now
facing west (mostly clear blue winter sky) at the central crossroad in Rose
Hill Cemetery. Carol has returned to page 14 of Sarah Blake’s The
Postmistress. This is the first time you have been out reading since the
deep freeze a week or so ago. Groups of six or seven per group of high school
male runners are out and about on the cemetery roads.
1520 hours. There is a hint of higher
sun for this time of day and Solstice is back not quite a month. The boys are
staying on the outer parameter roads taking several laps before heading out
across Mason-Montgomery to pass the city building before returning to the
sports area of the high school itself. One fellow cut through. Here comes
another. I remember I used to be so slow doing laps before/after football
practice. Coach Scarfpin and others would yell at me; and someone counted my
laps to make sure I didn’t duck in a lap early because I was almost always a
lap behind anyway, sometimes two laps. That was not the fun part of the sport
as I remember it. My sophomore and junior years were not that much better. I
was lazy and was not aggressive enough; then when I became faster and was
dropped into fullback I couldn’t remember the plays. That was pretty much high
school romance wise also.
During
our 1960 class supper last week I sat next to Bev (Clarke) and asked her if she
remembered the first junior-senior prom. I thought I had gone with her but
luckily I kept my mouth shut and listened to find she remembered (how do girls
remember such things?). We doubled. I went with Bev (Steele) and Doug went with
Bev (Clarke). I remember going out to eat fancy but not the dance itself or
after. We took Dad’s 1955 red and white station wagon. Red and white (band
around the windows) were the school colors so it fit in nicely.
Carol, the meticulous reader, has jumped
forward to page 106 of her book, which is more familiar territory. – Home.
Orndorff, the reluctance shows that spiral territory has power over you. The
power, no matter how well hidden, makes you less free. You need to get back in
those days, sort them out, and let them go. – Amorella
I cannot let them go, Amorella,
because . . . .
Why is that, boy? – Amorella
You are right, Amorella. My thinking
is wrong or ill thought or both. (1600)
1719 hours. I easily found the two
boxes with the spiral notebooks. They were place in the boxes in the order of
the calendar, beginning in 1988. I found no references to the ‘mystical-like dance’,
but there were references to the ‘letters sent” which means that event most
likely took place in 1987. Even so, I am back to my original hypothesis that I
am ‘mostly imagination’ and have been for the last six decades.
You skimmed over more notebooks and found
most of the information an internal argument over personal spiritual and material worlds within and subjective and objective
reality and the use of human reason and imagination with such argument(s) – not much different than can be found within the several years of this
blog’s existence.
2150 hours. What is important to me is
that did find earlier small 2X5 ‘memo notebooks that go back much earlier, even
to the spiral bound notebook of some of my first literary-like thoughts of my
college attempts at writing. I think these old small notebooks will collaborate
this.
This
does not take away my thought of creating an artful piece of fictional literature
from it. Why not? I am not a wasteful person by nature. And, who knows, I may
continue to gain some understanding of at least my own human nature along the
way. – rho
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