Notes - dusk and beyond

       Dusk has completed in cycle. Everything is unpacked and put away, clothes to be washed in the morning, errands tomorrow also. Tim was over earlier and you had a chat, a break from mowing the yard. They just returned from a family vacation in South Carolina and everything is well. You had Papa John’s for supper, made special by Homer himself. He just bought a house in Westchester and you are excited for him and his family. He is a lot closer to his pizza business. You have been trying to follow Paul’s advice and have been chewing your food about three or four times longer than usual. – Amorella

       2132 hours. I hope it helps my stomach problems.

       Did you ever think that the anxiety you have when being responsible for your grandboys might be a partial cause of the problem? You were stressed to do everything correctly on Thursday when you were in charge of the boys and you didn’t become ill until after you fulfilled those obligations. The time before it was right after David’s funeral when you also under a lot of personal stress. And, the time before was also a time you had personal obligations with the boys – all three times within six months or so, and always at Kim and Paul’s? I bring this up because Paul also mentioned it might be a partial cause this morning. He still believes it is mostly mechanical though, having to do with the stomach band in place since 2004. – Amorella

       2140 hours. I don’t think it is stress but it has got me to think about all those years of teaching and the tremendous stress I had, especially in student teaching and the first three years of teaching. I developed a teaching persona that allowed me to become better than I can be at teaching. I developed a lifetime of personal teaching notes for reference that I had for almost everyday of teaching. I was terrified people would realize how little I know. I have little memory so I had no choice but to develop notes.

       I haven’t thought about this, at least I don’t remember thinking about it, but once retired or at least once I began writing novels in the late 1970’s I again was confronted with the fact that I am not a writer just like I was not a teacher. So, in order not to be an out and out fraud I had to pretend to be a good teacher long enough that I convinced myself I was – at least I was passable and not a fraud. Maybe that’s part of Amorella, a persona to make me feel I might become passable as a writer and not be a complete fraud. This is just a hypothesis but their might be some truth to it. It is no wonder I feel I am mostly fiction. Thoughts and motivations such as this are certainly reasonable, especially for teaching. There was absolutely nothing else for me to do to be half way successful as an adult. Early on in junior high school mother always pressed on me to be a salesman because I had a gift of gab that could sell anybody anything. Basically, Mother was saying you lie all the time; you make up stories that are not true, so why not make money off it. I was abhorred by the thought – then in high school I read Death of a Salesman and no way was I going to wind up like Willy Loman.

       You know this thinking is a bit late in life, but your purpose here is to think (or to remember in your mind) how it was to confront an Angel face to face and the most important thing you learned from this ‘experience’ is that you have to know, to realize who you are, you have to ‘know’ who you are, you have to be who you are. You feel this intently; this is the lesson of challenging an Angel of G-D or even G-D. Do you disagree? – Amorella

       2202 hours. No, but I don’t know why or how this line of thought really came up. What you say, at least from my perspective is true. One has to be who one is in such a confrontation. One has to know who one is in the moment of confrontation. The raw, authentic, unbridled HeartanSoulanMind are the shield to the intensity of Divine Grace. One has to accept who one is, warts and all, as it were. – I need to just shut up. I do not need a voice here. I know what I know. You know what you know. And you need to know it by a lot more that words which are totally inadequate. Now I will shut up. – rho

       This is as you are most raw, orndorff. Now, let it be. Post, and let it be, give it up quietly and without resignation. – Amorella

       2212 hours. I really don’t understand how I came to write today’s posting. The circumstance is one of amazement. - rho